Top 10 International Beautiful Women

The phenomenon of globalization has had a profound impact on the world we live in, from contributing to the continuous economic growth of developing nations, right down to the transmission of new ideas to help shape a more open-minded culture of the future.  It also did wonders for American guys who like to ogle pretty women from other countries, as globalization opened the doors for models and actresses of all nationalities to spread their wings and fly beyond the constraints of their country of origin and straight onto college dorm room walls everywhere.

Due to the overwhelmingly popular of a list we have done once before, we once again salute those beautiful women whose hotness constantly reminds us that a) variety is the spice of life, and b) American, European, African or Asian, all hot women are equally beyond the reach of schmucks like you and me.

10.  Heidi Klum

From: Germany
For awhile there, she might have been called Heidi Samuel but, before her now-kaput marriage to the British singer Seal, she was Heidi Klum, aka “The Body,” aka “The German Goddess,” aka “The Shock from Bergisch Gladbach” (I might have made up those last two.)
Heidi is mostly known from her modeling work for Vogue, Sports Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret catalogs, which we’ve all of course read for their surprisingly in-depth articles.  It’s there that she mesmerized audiences worldwide with her deep gaze, strong stature and that wide, almost suspiciously perfect smile.  There’s something here about her being the perfect woman but, with her blonde hair and country of origin, it’s best not to mention such things.

9.  Yendi Phillips

From: Jamaica
Phillips first came to the worldwide public’s attention when she became a finalist in every event during the 2007 Miss World competition, as a representative of Jamaica.  Out of all those Miss World competitions you watch, can you ever recall any more detail than a parade of half-naked, unrealistic standards of beauty?  Well, they actually have categories like Sports, Talent and Swimsuit; in 2007 Phillips dominated them all, proving that there is some serious talent and determination underneath that pretty face, body, hair, posture, legs, smile, eyes… sorry, where was I?
Oh yeah.  While not making it to the finals of Miss World or Miss Universe (where she was actually the 1^st runner up), Phillips appears in commercials and boasts a Master’s Degree from Brockport State, as if we needed more reasons to be painfully aware that none of us have any chance with her.

8.  Natalia Vodianova

From: Russia
Dear, sweet God on a moped…look at those eyes!  It’s like the very idea of beauty hugged a million kittens in the burning core of an active Sun.  Those eyes are not just horrifyingly beautiful, they are also strong and caring; aptly so, considering Vodianova’s childhood.  Growing up in a poor district of a Soviet city (which is like growing up in the seedy part of Hell) she had to work from an early age to help her mother and sisters (one with cerebral palsy) while having to make do with a father who walked out on the family but MAGICALLY managed to find the courage to mend his relationship with Natalia after she became a famous model and actress.  A part of me hopes she punched him in the solar plexus during their first meeting, while another part wishes it was more of a roundhouse kick to the jaw.

7.  Monica Bellucci

From: Italy
Perhaps best known for that time she showed her breasts in Dracula (I will give you a moment to Google that…finished? Great) Monica Bellucci has topped many “Sexiest Woman” lists in her life and is today considered the quintessential Italian sex symbol, the proper reaction to which should be the complete opposite of “surprised.”
It’s hard to choose just one thing that makes Bellucci so attractive.  Is it her perfectly proportioned face?  Her killer body?  That whole “healthier Morticia Addams” thing she has going on for her?  Whatever it is, she has it in spades and looks great in everything she does, even if it’s posing naked while pregnant (Again, I’ll give you a minute to go Google that.)

6.  Elizabeth Hurley

From: The UK
Hurley’s first claim to real fame was the fact that she got to touch Hugh Grant’s junk and wasn’t paid for the privilege (believe it or not, at one point in history Hugh Grant actually mattered).  Luckily, she later found something you actually would be proud to put on a plaque as she went on to become a very successful actress. You probably remember her from Austin Powers where she played Mike Myers’s bombshell partner Vanessa Kensington, but if you want to see her a) really stretch those acting chops, and b) in a couple of fetish costumes, then you absolutely must watch Bedazzled where she plays the Devil him…er, herself, making “evil” look sexier than it has ever been.

5.  Aishwarya Rai

From: India
Aishwarya Rai has really accomplished a lot in her life. She was Miss World 1994, nowadays works as a philanthropist and Goodwill Ambassador, and has starred in over 40 movies in Hindi, English, Tamil, Telugu and Bengali, while I’m not entirely sure I’m even pronouncing the names of those languages correctly.
Oh, and let’s not forget: she’s absolutely dazzling, mixing both Western and Indian standards of beauty in one mesmerizing package which should be admired with all proper respect. Plus she kind of looks like an Indian Mila Kunis, so there’s that too.

4.  Liya Kebede

From: Ethiopia
When I say that Liya Kebede looks “fierce”, I don’t mean anything racist by it. It’s just that, looking at that stern expressions she has in every…Single…PICTURE of her out there, I’m pretty sure this woman could snap me in half with her bare hands if she wanted to.
But I guess a strong will and determination are things you’d expect from someone who has dedicated her life to helping mothers and children across Africa as a WHO Goodwill Ambassador for Maternal, Newborn and Child Health.  Kebede might be beautiful (understatement of the week) but she also comes off as sincerely empathetic to the suffering of people less fortunate than her (which frankly is almost everyone, as Forbes named her the 11^th highest-paid model in 2007).
She might not smile a lot, but her grace, style and kind heart make her an easy pick for one of the top international beauties ever.

3.  Anna Kournikova

From: Russia
The professional tennis player Kournikova might not have actually won any WTA singles titles during her entire career but she has won something far more important: the Internet.  How do you win the Internet, you ask?  Well it just so happens that she was the number one sports query on Google in 2001, and one of the top searches in the “women” category in the same year.  True, most people were just looking for naked or upskirt photos of her, but you know what they say “Google searches for naked pictures of you are the highest form of flattery.”

2.  Zhang Ziyi

From: China
Zhang Ziyi is a pure kickass machine wrapped in a beautiful, deceitfully delicate package, like a scorpion hiding inside a teddy bear.  Take a look at her – yes, she has the looks and that star presence, but would you ever guess that she actually went toe-to-toe with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?  OK, fine, that might have been in a movie she supplied the voice for, but that’s the thing about Zhang – she refuses to present herself as a helpless, delicate flower.  She is gorgeous, but her most attractive traits are her character and her refusal to play weak females who have to be rescued by men.  She’ll do her own rescuing, thank you very much, and you have to respect that, if you know what’s good for you.

1.  Marion Cotillard

From: France
Is Marion Cottilard the greatest international beauty?  Well, that’s not really for me to decide but… oh wait, yes it is.  So…I’m going to go with “yeah.”  It’s not just her amazing looks, the way she handles herself and that goddamn sexy smile—all of which bring to mind the great sex symbols of the last century like Brigitte Bardot—it’s also the fact that, out of everyone on this list, she starred in the overall better movies, including Taxi, Nine, Inception and Contagion.  You know how intelligence or a sense of humor can make a person appear more attractive?  Well, considering that Cottilard was a bombshell to begin with, her having a role in the newest Batman movie is enough to make her the top international beauty in the whole world, as far as I’m concerned.  But be sure to share your top picks in the comments section where they will be promptly reviewed and ignored as ramblings of a bunch of know-nothing loons.

15 Incredible Dust Paintings

It seems that dust can be put to good use with a bit of imagination. Allison Cortson, an artist from Los Angeles, collected dust from her subjects’ homes and used it to create incredible masterpieces. Nowadays, when it seems that there isn’t any other way of creating art left to surprise us; Allison amazed us with her creativity and skills. The artist tries to emphasize the fact that “matter is mostly empty space” that’s why the human subjects are painted in color on the dusty background.

70-year-old with 20-year-old Body

This 70-year old mean has a body of a 20-year-old body builder. Dr. Jeffrey Life looks like a young person with a face of an old man. His photos look photoshopped, but that isn’t the case. At the age of 60 he stared taking fitness very seriously. Before that he was an average 60-year man with a tummy. He came across a 12-week fitness challenge on Muscle Media Magazine. He decided to take the matter into his own hands however at that age his body could no longer hold muscle mass. So he started taking regular doses of testosterone and human growth hormone. And now he looks like this, take a look!

Top 10 SNL Characters Who Deserved Their Very Own Lame Movie

It’s been two years since Saturday Night Live attempted a film based on one of their recurring characters (MacGruber).  It sucked.  Before that, it had been TEN years between movies (Ladies’ Man).  That one REALLY sucked.  In fact it’s pretty much the definition of public knowledge that, aside from Blues Brothers and the first Wayne’s World, any attempt by Lorne Michaels and company to expand five minutes of jokes into 90 has failed miserably.

But that doesn’t mean they should have stopped.  Perhaps they just didn’t pick the right characters; maybe, if they do what I say and give these somewhat-famous characters a shot at the big screen, they might just strike gold, and I’ll look like a soothsayer who deserves a big blank check with Lorne’s name on the bottom.

10.  Debbie Downer

For The Uninitiated:  A depressed woman brings everybody around her down with tales of cat AIDS, starving children, and being infertile.
How It Could Work:  Debbie finally seeks help for her crippling depression, only to receive news, mere days later, that a major agency is willing to fund a one-woman show featuring Debbie sitting on a stage and telling the crowd how much life sucks.  Makes sense, since every time Debbie sits down with friends and tries to depress them, they end up laughing their stones off (literally AND figuratively, mind).  Debbie is now torn between staying and bettering herself or leaving to go on the road and make the masses happy, at the expense of her health, and possibly her life.
Chances Of Success:  It’d be tough.  This is a rather heavy theme for a character that uses a sad trombone sound to let the audience know she’s bumming people out, and you’d need to load the cast with actors who are experts at breaking character and giggling like morons at every turn.  Where’re Jon Stewart, Jimmy Fallon, and Harvey Corman when you need ‘em?

9.  Mango

For The Uninitiated:  An exotic dancer who manages to seduce every man around him, even though he himself is totally straight (or at least he’s convinced himself he is).
How It Could Work:  After a chance meeting with Bill Clinton (played by Darrel Hammond because what else does he have lined up, seriously?) almost results in a cigar enema, Mango realizes his magical butt dances are far too dangerous to go on.  He embarks on a mystical world tour, attempting to discover exactly what makes his dancing so alluring to viewers (particularly the male sort).  In the end, after every guru on the planet turns out to be a fraud that only pretended to help Mango because they were in love with him, Mango gives up and realizes that it is his destiny, and curse, to be Mango.  Until one last idea hits him: baggy hip-hop jeans.  Suddenly, no ass means no magical dances, and peace for De Mango at long last.
Chances Of Success:  Pretty damn good.  It’s the same joke time and again, with a wacky sight gag payoff at the end.  Exactly what Dr. Michaels ordered!

8.  Tales Of Ribaldry

For The Uninitiated:  A Victorian-era dandy, who gets off on stories featuring subtle sexual innuendo, turns utterly disgusted as the sexuality gets more and more explicit.
How It Could Work:  A wormhole opens up in the year 1750, sending Evelyn Quince (the dandy in question) into modern times, where the first thing he sees is Akon grinding with a 12-year-old girl onstage.  He subsequently has a heart attack; upon recovery, he becomes a motivational speaker, attempting to persuade the youth of today to embrace decency and class, with just a hint of “saucy ribaldry” every now and then should the occasion call for it.
Chances Of Success:  Pretty good, especially if the scriptwriters insert a scene or two where Quince presents, say, hardcore porno flicks reshot as saucy tales of subtle naughtiness (throwing you a freebie here, scriptwriters.  You best recognize.)  Also, nobody should ever attempt to explain the wormhole, ever.  It will only create headaches so large even a bathtub full of Excedrin couldn’t cure them all.  Just know we had to get Quince into modern times somehow, and a wormhole is the easiest explanation.  After all, have YOU ever dealt with a wormhole to learn exactly how it works?  Thought not.

7.  The Boston Teens

For The Uninitiated:  Sully and Denise, a couple of obnoxious Boston stereotypes, obsess over the Red Sox and call each other retahhhhded before making out like a pair of blind monkeys.
How It Could Work:  Denise begins to mature, and yearns for a life beyond baseball and Dunkin’ Donuts, but can’t convince her boyfriend to grow up as well.  She attempts to balance her new-found responsibilities with pretending to give a crap about the latest Sox collapse, all in the vain hopes that someday, he too will realize the pointlessness of a life spent worshipping athletes and staying in the same stagnant neighborhood despite opportunities abound elsewhere.
Chances Of Success:  It already happened!  Jimmy Fallon basically aped the Sully character, minus the obnoxious accent, for 2005’s Fever Pitch.  Whether or not that movie worked depended entirely on how sick you were of the Sox by that point, plus whether or not you realized the thing was little more than a chick flick with bats and balls scattered all over the place.

6.  Toonces The Driving Cat

For The Uninitiated:  A cat drives a car.  Off a cliff.  He and his owners not only manage to survive, but he is given the keys AGAIN at the very next opportunity.  He drives off another cliff.  Repeat ad nauseam.
How It Could Work:  The local media FINALLY gets wind of a driving cat, but any and all offers of fame and fortune are withdrawn when it’s revealed Toonces actually sucks at driving.  This, far more than the constant brushes with death, is enough to convince Toonces’ owners to work overtime on improving his driving.  But the pressure becomes too much, and Toonces soon drives away to escape it all.  He then drives off a cliff.
Chances Of Success:  As a depressing art-house flick showcasing the meaninglessness and futility of attempting to escape one’s sad, miserable lot in life, not bad.  Otherwise, this could easily be a regular SNL sketch for the next time they drag Dana Carvey out of the mothballs because no celebrity anywhere has any movie or TV show to plug that week.

5.  Penelope

For The Uninitiated:  A woman with a compulsive need to one-up everybody in sight.  If you have ten dollars, she has a hundred.  If you just saw a movie, she just won an Oscar.  If you went on a Jamaican cruise, she travelled to Saturn.  You get the idea.
How It Could Work:  Penelope, finally realizing that nobody likes her and her unending histrionics, drifts toward the one place where you can brag about ridiculous BS that never happened and get away with it: battle rap.  Almost overnight, her knack for doing everything better than her opponent makes her a hip-hop superstar.  Until the haters come out with reports claiming everything she says is purest fiction, a mortal sin in rap, where everything needs to be kept real, yo.  Now Penelope must find a way to actually DO all the crap she’s been bragging about, or else be laughed out of a career and forced back to the small town that hates her and her braggart mouth.
Chances Of Success:  It all depends on what they have her try to do.  If she claimed to be a world champion pro wrestler, or that she that could play all of Beethoven’s symphonies with her eyes closed, this could actually be a fine film.  But if her claims are totally asinine, like going to the Sun and surviving, then forget about it.  Also, that thing she constantly does with her hair?  End it.  That crap’s like Mary Catherine Gallagher’s sweaty armpits, and we all know how that film turned out.

4.  Drunk Girl

For The Uninitiated:  It’s a girl who’s drunk.  But she’s played by a really tall guy, which is just wacky!
How It Could Work:  Drunk Girl actually IS a guy!  Somehow, nobody notices this, and it has allowed him to both indulge his alcoholism and get close to pretty girls without getting slapped or arrested.  The problems begin when an extremely rich guy falls for him/her, leaving Drunk Girl to decide whether to continue the façade and live the high life, or expose himself and risk being murdered by every girl whose chest he’s “drunkenly” stumbled over.  Also, what to do when the rich guy actually wants a little somethin’ somethin’?
Chances Of Success:  Quite good.  The movie would feature a ton of pretty women acting drunk, which would attract a ton of shallow moviegoers with a sophomoric sense of humor and money they didn’t really want in the first place.  And the rich-guy-falls-for-drag-queen story is totally stolen from Marliyn Monroe’s opus Some Like It Hot, which all but guarantees this movie would get greenlit.  After all, if there’s one thing Hollywood loves, it’s a blatant and unoriginal rip-off.

3.  The Spartan Cheerleaders

For The Uninitiated:  Two wannabe-cheerleaders who can never make the actual squad creep around town cheering on anything and everything, from swim meets to chess matches to baby deliveries.
How It Could Work:  The Spartans finally go one step too far, attempting their “Perfect Cheer” at a Presidential inauguration.  They are promptly captured by Secret Service and thrown into custody.  Intense questioning by the CIA reveals nothing, but also suggests that nobody would miss these two bozos if they were detained indefinitely while the government’s investigation continues.  They are forced to do their cheers while suspected terrorists are tortured, and the subsequent mental anguish makes their attempts to escape all the more difficult.
Chances Of Success:  Well, Michael Moore and the rest of the extreme left would love it.  Otherwise, it’s a fairly dark idea, especially the parts where they cheer during waterboarding, sun overexposure, and forced sleep deprivation.  But dark or no, it’s a Hell of a lot better than what would’ve become of the film in Real Life: the Spartans go on various talents shows and fail miserably but become ironic viral sensations, blah de blah de blah zzzzzzzzzzz.

2.  Nick Burns The Computer Guy

For The Uninitiated:  An office IT guy constantly solves minor computer issues, all while making absolutely sure the users know how pathetically stupid they are for even daring to call him on such tiny issues.
How It Could Work:  Nick quits IT after one too many moronic problems, and embarks upon his life’s mission: to build The Perfect Computer.  This computer would have ten terabytes of disc space, 900 GB of RAM, and would be built to automatically solve the Top 200 Pointless Problems that every idiot user seems to have.  Automatic turn-on, multiple screen-savers deleted, immediate elimination of malware-infested “games” that a baby wouldn’t see as entertaining; it will be glorious!
Until (FAKE SPOILER ALERT) he unveils the prototype and a teenager ruins it by spilling soda all over it, a problem that Nick did not include on his Top 200 list.  Distraught, Nick returns to IT a failure, doomed to be endlessly mocked for his failed Ultra Computer every time he dares insult somebody for downloading and installing two similar copies of Angry Birds.

Chances Of Success:  If marketed as an office Space-style revenge fantasy for anybody sick of their jerky office IT guy, then it might actually be successful.  Plus, this is one of the few sketches Jimmy Fallon DIDN’T giggle all the way though, so the film’s director actually might not have to kill him.

1.  The Continental

For The Uninitiated:  A creepy old guy lives in a swank penthouse suite and constantly scares his dates away by engaging in increasingly blatant bouts of perversion, voyeurism, and sexual stalking.
How It Could Work:  The Continental Guy is forced to get a job, after several dozen sexual harassment lawsuits drain his trust fund to almost nothing and his landlords threaten to evict him.  His first few attempts to find work in the sex or lingerie industries go nowhere, as every person who interviews him turns out to be a girl he scared away during one of his ill-fated “dates.”  His attempt to work at a vinery that makes fine champagne similarly fails, as he is caught drinking from the barrels within half a day.  Can he find that elusive career that both suits his skill level (which appears to be very, very low) and that dissuades him from being a perverted lush?
Chances Of Success:  High.  C’mon, it’d be Christopher Walken acting creepy for 90 minutes!  When has that ever been a disappointment?

Well played, me.  Well played.
Jason Iannone writes here, there, and everywhere, and is the main article editor of TopTenz.  Please do not tell him if any of his own articles have a typo; his ego could not handle it.  Send him writing offers, marriage proposals, and tons of money via jayviniann@gmail.com.